True Life: I’m Addicted to Vlogs

Also, old MTV shows, apparently.

This is an unfortunate truth that I face every day. When I wake up in the morning, my YouTube subscription page is filled with around three hours worth of vlog content from all of my favorite YouTubers. While I usually stagger this content throughout the week, I would be lying if I said I haven’t sat down and watched all three hours worth of vlogs before.

Whenever I catch myself with my little phone screen just inches from my face so that I can hear what Zoella ordered from Nado’s (which doesn’t even exist in this country) I find myself asking one question:

Why?

Why do I care what these people who I have never met in my life are doing with their day? Why do I get so excited for them when they sign a new book deal or feel so heartbroken when their dog dies? I’m sure there is some psychology behind our desire to connect with people and our ability to feel like part of someone’s life, even if it’s a one-sided relationship, but really, I think it’s because my life is so…very…boring.

I sit on one of the three pieces of furniture I own in my sweatpants on a Friday night and catch up on people walking red carpets and giving their 1,000,000,000 sqft LA apartments Pinterest makeovers with Pottery Barn and Urban Outfitters.

I don’t want to feel connected to them. I don’t find them to be an inspiration. I just want to be them. I lust over everything they have and envy them for making more than I ever will in my life by doing completely normal things while holding a camera.

But, Kierstyn, isn’t that unhealthy?

Absolutely! I never said I was mentally stable. I’m just delving into my desire to use up my own free-time to watch someone walk around Target.

There’s a whole section of my brain that could be filled with new knowledge or a useful skill, but instead, it’s just filled with the names of Roman Atwood’s entire extended family and all the toppings Aspyn Ovard puts in her acai bowl.

In case I wasn’t a huge douche in the first place for ignoring my husband and dog to watch strangers, I’ve started being a douche to the strangers as well. Ever since YouTube added that nifty feature to skip ahead 10 seconds at a time by double tapping the screen, I find myself fast-forwarding through the parts of the vlogs that I find boring. You know, when they’re talking about their lives or show too long of a clip of their toddler running in circles in the front yard. I have deemed myself important enough to decide what I like and don’t like about a stranger’s life. I’ve had thoughts like, Ugh, their old vlogs used to be so much better. Now they just hang out at home and make food. As if that’s not exactly what my life is like.

I am so caught up in my desire to be entertained that I’m judging people for having a slow day. One of the vloggers I watch just had a baby and has been spending all her time in the house caring for her newborn child and I’ve been skipping her vlogs. How dare she not be showing me her outfit of the day and making runs to get sushi and smoothies. Doesn’t she know that my entertainment is more important than the infant life that she just created?

I just want to watch pretty, young people doing all the things I normally do, just fancier. Like actually buying the overpriced home decor at Target or actually ordering dessert when out to dinner with all their friends wearing bralettes and dad hats.

I know it is totally my choice to stay in on the weekends and spend my money on food and tattoos rather than adventures and Sephora makeup. There is not much those people do that I can’t, but that would require leaving my apartment. So instead, I’ll just stuff cookie dough in my mouth with a serving spoon and make comments like, I could never get away with wearing leather pants to brunch.