How to Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day

Tell everyone this is the day of your people because you’re 1/16th Irish

“My great, great, great grandmother’s best friend’s illegitimate love child was Irish.”

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Put green food dye in frickin’ everything

Because who doesn’t want to dive into a plate of green spaghetti?

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Wear a douchy St. Patrick’s day themed shirt

It definitely isn’t offensive and doesn’t reduce an entire group of people to a bunch of drunk perverts.

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Get completely hammered in honor of a patron saint

I’m sure the Catholic bishop is smiling down from heaven at you honoring him by throwing up green in the alley behind a dive bar.

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Lose your shit when they play a song with fiddles at the bar and start trying to Irish jig

“Oh my god! I have no idea what this song is, but it sounds Irish as hell. Watch me dance!”

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Pinch people for not wearing green, you know, because that’s not annoying and violating

Because people love being touched, especially to cause pain.

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Say “They’re after me Lucky Charms” in a terrible, slurred accent

If you’re drunk and don’t attempt an Irish accent using the only Irish icon your American brain can think of, did you even really celebrate St. Patty’s?

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Paint your face and/or body with shamrocks or the Irish flag

People won’t be able to tell that you’re aren’t pale as printer paper and have zero freckles if you’re covered in paint.

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Bring a treat into work with green sprinkles and send out a mass email with a glittery GIF

“Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Let’s celebrate with cupcakes! On the filing cabinet next to my cube!”Happy-St-Patrick-Day-3D-Picture

Now put on those green beads and head to the parade, you crazy leprechaun.