With this year’s mind-boggling presidential race coming to a close, it’s important for us to take the time to really listen to the candidates and evaluate where we align with some of their most important campaign promises. They have spoken about plans for immigration, taxation, education, gun control, minimum wage, and approximately 13,545,797,839,874,593,024 other policies they swear to initiate once in office.
While I’ve listened to their speeches and read their press releases, I feel like they have neglected to touch on some of the most important issues that I hear debated by the American people on a daily basis.
Due to the two candidates that I have been given to pick between, here are a few issues I believe they need to weigh in on, so that we may make the most informed and wise voting decisions.
Chipotle Vs. Qdoba
Mexican-style fast food is one of the cornerstones of American culture. Who would we be without burritos the size of our heads and GMO guacamole that we can rave about on Twitter?
Chipotle is like your perfect dream girl. It’s beautiful, satisfying, exciting, heart-warming (or sometimes burning), and just thinking about it brightens your whole day. But, once you spend some time with it, you realize that, while it is amazing, it has one huge flaw.
Queso. Chipotle falters in an area of great importance. This is America. It is crucial to have the option to pour melted cheese on top of your shredded cheese. That’s why we’re looking at you, Qdoba. What Qdoba lacks in quality, it makes up for by believing in choices, and I respect that.
Plus, Chipotle had that whole E. Coli scare, and if there’s one thing we’ve learned about the American people this election season, it’s that they are not very forgiving.
Beyonce is Queen Vs. Beyonce is Eh
I’ll just assume my place behind full body armor for even bringing this up, but it’s an important topic for Donny and Hils to consider.
There’s no doubt that Beyonce is a Queen in some capacity. She’s fearless, talented, and none of us will ever be as cool as her. No matter how many squats we do. If you stand for Queen Bey, then you stand for fierce, hard-working women who are slowly taking over the world.
Although, there’s always the possibility that, while you can appreciate her work ethic, you just aren’t into her music. Knowing if a presidential candidate prefers listening to Mumford and Sons over Beyonce isn’t what’s important. What’s important is knowing that they are willing to stand by their unpopular opinion despite the wrath of the Beyhive.
Sleeping with the Door Open Vs. Sleeping with the Door Shut
America is under threat pretty much all of the time. It’s important to know how candidates act in the face of danger, and what better way to find out than their habits during the greatest danger we face each day; going to sleep.
When asleep you are susceptible to anything. If you sleep with the bedroom door open, you have likely considered that danger could be coming and have plotted by leaving the door wide to listen for a foreign sound, the hall light on to spot an intruder, and have 5-7 attack plans mapped out in your head. Some call it paranoia, you call it preparation.
If you sleep with the door closed, you’re either closing out the danger or don’t believe there is any danger to fear at all. It’s not naivety, you have just built strong relationships with the people living near you, researched in length about a safe area to make your home, and trust that you have secured your house properly. Instead of expecting an invasion, you actively take steps to avoid it.
Lebron James Vs. Kobe Bryant
I have no idea. I know nothing about basketball.
The Bachelor/Bachelorette is Television Gold Vs. The Bachelor/Bachelorette is Trash
If Trump likes to curl up on the couch with a glass of Pinot Grigio on Monday nights, I feel like that’s something I need to know as an American voter.
Those like Trump and the rest of the population that religiously follows one lonely person in the pursuit of true love, believe in the authenticity of people. Even though it is a show made for the purpose of entertainment, has a hand-selected cast of characters, and has producers who care only about viewership, viewers believe that this is a story of true love unfolding before their eyes. Who would lie about something as personal as love? They believe people are genuine and what they say is honest and should be returned with the same level of authenticity and honesty.
The remaining part of the population, who see the Bachelor/Bachelorette as a load of bull, believe that while people are good at their core, they are often more sincere without the presence of the media. The best way to build relationships is over a quiet cup of coffee, not during a press segment. They also believe that important decisions (like marriage) should be made through careful analysis and planning, not the process of elimination.
Cat Vs. Dog
I need to know if our president it going to be a psychopath or not.
Dogs are loyal, kind, protective, want to be part of a pack, would do anything for that pack, are willing to work hard, and feel shameful when they make a mistake.
Cats are smart, cunning, loners, only like others when they feel like it, and will look you dead in the eye when they slide your glass cup off the table.
Need I say more?
Crunchy Vs. Creamy
A classic. It dates all the way back to the 1700’s when the French Revolution was sparked by Queen Marie-Antoinette when she famously said of the poor, “Let them eat chunky peanut butter.”
Creamy is a heavenly spread of bliss and joy that slides across a piece of bread like a gentle wave washing over rocks. It coats your mouth with happiness and goes down easy.
Chunky, however, is for the tough and the rugged. Those not afraid to get their hands dirty. Who cares if it rips a hole through the bread? Who cares if you have giant hunks of peanut on half the sandwich and almost nothing on the other. The struggle is worth the explosion of peanut buttery flavor when you’ve committed to maximizing your peanut experience.
Hils and Donny, I know about the walls and the public funding and the education initiatives. It’s the same speeches I’ve heard my whole life from every presidential candidate. I need to know where you stand on some of the more important things. The things that matter to you as a human. The things that separate you into people who would be cool to have at a dinner party or people who get too drunk at the company Christmas party and make photocopies of their butts.