I. Love. Food.

Oprah loves bread, but I’m not so selective. I love all food. If my life was a movie it would be called Eh, I Could Eat.

When I’m happy, sad, bored, busy, excited, dull, anything other than sleeping, I’m eating. I know I can’t be the only one whose budget app says unusual spending in the food category every month.

You might be a mastication machine like me if you relate to any of these.

You hear wow, you ate ALL of that on a daily basis

Yes, I did, and I feel sorry for you that you are unable to expand your mind and your stomach to accept these bountiful pleasures we have been bestowed with. Didn’t your parents teach you to clear your plate? Stop judging and eat your salad.

Buffets are both a dream come true and your greatest nightmare.

There is no greater treasure in the world than rows and rows of food that you can spend hours with, visiting again and again. Every empty, dirty plate at the edge of your table is a victory and each trip back up to the bar is a battle between your power of will and your stomach’s actual capacity to hold food.

You feel nothing but bliss until everyone else at your table polishes off two small piles of food and pats their stomachs saying Oh my goodness, I couldn’t eat another bite. I’m stuffed!

You’re only three plates in and haven’t even touched the dessert bar yet. Do you power through and face the judgment or do you laugh and agree with them, already mapping out what snacks you have in the cabinet at home?

Your grocery bill is higher than most

When you eat like a 1,000-pound bear, you constantly have to stock up like winter is coming. One week of groceries for you is a few weeks for a normal eater. Whenever you get your paycheck, your first thought is, I’m going to buy that expensive ice cream and those pita chips in the fancy paper bag.

During breakfast, you’re planning lunch and during lunch, you’re planning dinner

Your whole day revolves around food. It’s vital to know where your next meal will be and what it is. There is nothing worse than hitting noon and having to spend half-an-hour going back and forth with your significant other on where to go for lunch. If you don’t plan ahead your whole eating schedule will be off. You’ll have to push your afternoon snack back to the evening and dinner will be way later than you need it to be.

You eat unreasonably fast

It takes approximately 20 minutes for your brain to register chemical signals from the body that give you the feeling of being full. So what does this mean? It means you have 20 minutes to force as much food as you can into your face hole before your body tells you to stop.

Kierstyn, why don’t you just eat slowly and eat less food?

Because I have a problem.

Your friends don’t even bother asking if you’re hungry when getting food

Anyone who has been around you for more than a day knows that you are always ready to eat. They already have a pizza in the oven before you get to their house or have already added you to the reservation before asking if you want to come out to dinner.

You laugh at the idea of portion control.

Yes, you understand that eating healthy is important. Yes, you know that you should not eat a Snickers bar or giant bowl of pasta. Yes, you realize that you need to eat primarily fruits and vegetables, and you will, as long as it is clear that you will eat an entire bag of grapes and half a watermelon in one sitting. If you make a big pot with six servings of quinoa, you’re going to eat the whole thing. If you cook up five chicken breasts on Sunday in an attempt to meal prep for the week, they are all going in that gullet before Monday morning.

You eat when you’re hungry, and you’re always hungry.

Eating junk food is the same as getting drunk

We all try our best, even with continuous hunger, to avoid the bad stuff, but every once in a while we give in, like any normal person. The difference between a normal person and you is that you take in sweets like a freshman frat boy drinks beer.

The whole package of Oreos? Gone in 15 minutes. A pint of ice cream? Don’t bother getting a bowl. None of that will make it back to the freezer. Bag of chips? You can be found in a corner tipping it upside down to get every last shard of salty goodness.

It makes you feel happy, the sugar makes you giddy, and the stomach ache feels strangely reminiscent of a hangover.

Even though you’re constantly judged, nothing can come between you and your food. 

Food is beautiful and will love you forever. So fudge the haters and eat more fudge.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Aunt Lynn says:

    Kier,
    I had no idea you and I had this same love/problem. I have always referred to myself as a “grazer”. I eat by the clock. You will rarely find my out and about without some sort of snack in my bag. At the very least I know the proximity of the nearest Kwik Trip at all times. Do you feel a mild panic rise as you drive under those food stations on the interstate thinking maybe you should have stopped just in case…..????? Although at my age I would pay heavily with health issues if I continued to indulge my constant nagging desire for something yummy, unless I ran a marathon or two every week. When I was your age I did eat like you do. I was/am a “carb” addict. Not that we had enough science to know that back then. That was the Jane Fonda era, we thought we were so healthy. I scooped out my bagels and pulled the skin off my chicken. We also thought that leg warmers were cute! Even now my pantry door is always open so I can reach in and grab a handful of something on my way to the laundry room. Why I think I need to see if the dryer is turning is bizarre. My handfuls are smaller now, and I do grab an apple now and then. But life is short, so here’s to a croissant with dark chocolate squares melted in the micro, mayonnaise in your tuna salad and Red Robin’s Banzai Burger with bottomless onion straws!! Gotta go the treadmill is calling.
    Keep writing and snacking and I’ll keep admiring you!

    Like

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