Making Friends is Boring

I don’t drink coffee. I’m 100% certain that’s why I’ll never make friends in the adult world.

Up until now, the friend-making formula has been pretty simple. For the first 18 years, all you needed was one common interest, a shared extracurricular activity, or you moms to be friends, and you were locked into friendship for years.

In college, friendship is all about proximity. All it took was meeting someone on your dorm floor, getting drunk, and aggressively complimenting each other.

But now, things have become much more complicated. Friendship has transitioned from a sprint to a marathon.

Here’s a breakdown of the grown-up Friendship Formula:

  1. Talk for 2-3 months in public group situation (work, extended friend group, gym, etc.)
  2. Talk 5-1,500 times about how “we should totally hang out sometime.”
  3. Finally make an actual plan to “grab coffee”
  4. Drink coffee and talk about your mutual friends the entire time.

Repeat until you become best friends/realize you have nothing in common/or one of you leaves work, extended friend group, gym, etc. and you have nothing to talk about anymore.

In this formula, the key is logging an insane amount of small talk. I hate small talk. I really don’t care about the election, your job, the weather, how our friend is doing, etc.

I want to know your dreams and goals. If you could do anything what would it be? What’s the coolest thing you’ve ever done? What’s the hardest thing you’ve gone through?

How are we supposed to become best friends when every conversation is a repeat of;

Me: “Oh look, it’s sunny. Last time we were talking it was raining. Now it’s not.”

Potential Friendship Soulmate: “Oh yeah, last time it was raining, but NOW, it’s not.”

*slow deterioration of connection*

Give me something juicy! Something that can turn into a late night conversation on a patio with wine. Every friendship is solidified past 12 am with wine.

But it’s not that simple. If I walked up to one of my coworkers and asked them what they dream about, they would probably file a harassment claim.

I want to throw it back to the good ol’ days. When friend-making was easy.

One of best friends today came up to me when we were on the same middle school soccer team and said, “You like a girl from a book” Cue eternal friendship.

My first few interactions with my husband were me saying “This guy” whenever he walked into the room. Let me go over that again, I nailed down someone for life with the words,

This. Guy.

Now there is a 100 step interview process, a list of references, and coffee, always coffee. Why does it always have to be coffee? Why can’t we go to Chipotle or get pizza? There’s no better way to bond than food all over your face and falling on your lap (At least, that’s what will be happening on my end of the table). Or, we could take the pressure off of conversation and go mini-golfing or to a concert. Hell, let’s go rock climbing or skydiving.

No one wants their friendship origin story to be, “We got coffee once.”

So if you’re looking for someone to be the peanut butter to your jelly, I’ll be over here with my bad puns, adventure fanny pack, and no sense of when I’ve referenced Harry Potter TOO many times.